Headaches

I seem to have regressed to the point where not only am I having issues with my social anxiety in real life, but online as well. I haven’t been posting anywhere much, when normally I frequent two forums and two blogs, not to mention real life–where I’ve been holed up in my house, not even emerging into the outside world for a short walk. There are a lot of reasons for why I started avoiding people again–I’m avoiding Myspace because I’m avoiding my mom’s side of the family because I don’t know what to say to them about my grandpa dying. I haven’t posted as much on any of the forums/blogs not only because I’ve been filling all my time with searching for jobs and cleaning the house, but because I feel I have nothing worthwhile to say anyway. I’ve been avoiding this blog for that reason, mostly–I feel like I shouldn’t post when I’ve hit such a huge setback with this thing. I mean, who wants to read about me cleaning and searching for jobs, when I haven’t even applied to any?

My stepdaughter is giving me a massive headache. I didn’t sleep well last night and as soon as I woke up she started talking, all about the shows she watched on Nick. I’m sorry, but Nick sucks now! Every show she’s watched since I woke up has given me an even bigger headache and she’s talking on and on and telling me to look at the TV with some stupid joke or commercial is on. Aaargh. And my boyfriend had the heat set to EIGHTY. Lord, we live in Florida, not New York!

A setback.

I haven’t written since Sunday because nothing happened, and then when something worthy of writing about did happen, I was too depressed and embarrassed to write about it. But I figure what use is a social anxiety blog if I’m not going to write about falling backward as well as moving forward?

My boyfriend took Thursday off as my Valentine’s Day present. We were supposed to go to a local farmer’s market in the morning and then St. Augustine afterward. We also needed to do laundry because Aaron’s parents have been home the entire week, which makes it impossible for me to do laundry at home as I’m so nervous about going into their house while they’re home (we share the laundry machine with them–they live directly underneath us). So we woke up and had a nice breakfast, then we gathered up Aaron’s work clothes and went to the coin laundry down the street. He spent the time we waited for it to finish playing the Game Boy, and I spent the time trying desperately to not seem impolite as I deflected all the laundry woman’s small talk advances.

After the laundry finished, we took it home and then left for the farmer’s market, which I had found online and desperately wanted to go to. I love farmer’s markets, because there are so many people around that don’t necessarily want to interact with me, and there’s so much fresh fruit and vegetables, and it’s such a nice atmosphere. We finally found the market. Alas, I had forgotten that it was a THURSDAY MORNING. No one was there except for the vendors. All I could think about was that there would be no one to deflect the attention of the vendors off of me, and they would all want to speak to me and try to press their wares on me (although logically I knew this wasn’t true), and I freaked out. I had a full-blown panic attack; I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking and crying and begging Aaron to take me away from it all because I couldn’t handle it, and he was trying to convince me to go in and face my fear but I just COULDN’T. Finally Aaron extracted a promise from me to go on Saturday afternoon, when there would be more buyers around and I could gradually face my fear of it instead of jumping in headfirst without any preparation whatsoever.

We started heading towards St. Augustine but then his ex-wife called with some bitchy news, and that on top of the residual panic attack emotions threw me over the top and I freaked out and told Aaron to just get me home, I didn’t want to go to St. Augustine, I didn’t want to do anything, I just wanted to sleep and have the day be over because I was too stupid to enjoy it the way I wanted to. All our plans had been screwed up and I didn’t want to deal with it. I don’t know why I can’t just shake things off and move on with my life, rather than concentrating on how things should be. I am so incredibly envious of people that can shift plans and enjoy themselves just as much as if nothing had even happened.

We went home, I calmed down a bit and Aaron calmed me down enough for me to agree to go to a puppy shop nearby that allows you to play with the pups in enclosed pens. One huuuuge dog cuddled with me for a good ten minutes and a tiny little pug cheered me up considerably, he was so cute and hyper. He was only eight or nine weeks old and already knew how to fetch! I would toss the ball and he would run, slam into the wall, grab the ball, and actually bring it back. Then Aaron took me to Goodwill and I found a wonderful skirt that actually fit. It’s rare for me to find clothes that fit me AND that I like at Goodwill, so that cheered me up as well. Then we went to the mall to eat at the place we ate on our first date. Alas, afterward we went to Books-a-Million and Aaron spent an entire freaking hour engrossed in some stupid roleplaying book while I tried to entertain myself with a book of Pulitzer prize winning pictures. Finally I got pissed off again and went to find him and told him that my gift was supposed to be time spent together, not time spent on opposite ends of a bookstore. So we went home. I passed out on the couch because I was so tired. Aaron played video games. And that was it.

It was an awful day, all-around. And now tomorrow I have to go to the farmer’s market like I promised, and I really don’t think I can handle it.

Going Shopping on Valentine’s Eve… Oy Vey.

Yesterday was a pretty eventful day for me after all. My boyfriend had to work, so my initial plans for the weekend were scrapped (especially as he’s working today as well! Talk about sucky) and I was quite upset, but when he came home he decided to take Kenzzie and I out to eat as an apology for all the time he’s at work. I didn’t really want to eat out, but I didn’t protest too much–it meant I didn’t have to cook, and I’m planning a nice dinner for tonight, as it’s Valentine’s Day and all.

First we had to stop at Wal-Mart because I needed new underwear and I wanted to surprise him with a Valentine’s gift. So we parked and he and Kenzzie wandered into GameStop while I wandered over to Wal-Mart. There were SO MANY PEOPLE THERE. I knew there would be, it being the day before Valentine’s and all, but good God. I raced over to the candy aisle and picked out a box of chocolates for Kenzzie and one for Aaron, then I mosied over to the lingerie section to get my undies. There were so many women there, lol. I couldn’t help but giggle! Finally I raced over to the cards section and managed to find an empty aisle where I grabbed a couple of cards that were nice (one for Kenzzie and one for Aaron). I strolled along the front of the store looking for a line that wasn’t too long, but every single one had at least five people in it with tons of stuff in their cart, so I went over to the jewelry section, thinking that it would at least be quicker. Silly me, right? The day before Valentine’s Day and I thought the jewelry section would be clear! Obviously I was wrong, so finally I went to the electronics section and paid for my stuff there. I managed to ask a man if he was in line, which he was, so I waited behind him. Finally my turn came and the man behind the register started making small talk. Initially I sort of froze, but then he asked about the card I had got for Kenzzie and I explained to him that my parents used to buy me and my siblings a card and chocolates every Valentine’s Day to make us feel special and I was carrying on the tradition, and he said I was a good mother and that it was sweet and he was sure Kenzzie was going to grow up with a good heart. I didn’t stutter or anything while talking to him, I felt almost normal! I almost skipped on my way out, lol.

Then we had to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a shower curtain. We found the perfect one, and got a rod to put up as well. My boyfriend and I were having a lot of fun messing with the rod because it was about as tall as I am. While the cashier was ringing everything up Aaron banged it against the floor and said, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!” and I started blushing beet red because the cashier was waiting for him to hand over the rod for him to scan–I felt sure that he would be irritated that Aaron was holding him up. But the cashier wasn’t irritated at all! He laughed and told us that the Lord of the Rings series were his favorite movies. When Aaron told him about how I love both the books and the movies, we found out that he had never read the books and he asked me about them, but I couldn’t manage to say anything, I just stuttered a little over the word “I.” Luckily someone came up behind us at that point, so I beat a hasty retreat.

Finally, we went to dinner. When the hostess went to seat us, she asked Kenzzie if she wanted a kid’s menu, and Kenzzie looked back to me. The hostess laughed and said, “Oh, I guess she has to ask Mommy if it’s all right!” which made me blush even more because I’m not Kenzzie’s biological mom and it was the second time in the space of an hour that people thought I was. I told Kenzzie to answer the woman to avoid making eye contact, lol. I didn’t want to correct her and tell her that Kenzzie’s not my biological daughter, because I do love her like a daughter and I don’t want Kenzzie to think that I love her less just because she’s not MINE. But I always worry a little bit that Kenzzie might think I’m trying to step into her mom’s shoes. I try not to worry about it though–I figure if it bothers her she’ll tell me or correct the person herself. Every once in awhile she does, she goes, “She’s not my mom, she’s my AMANDA!” and hugs me. So the hostess seated us and I managed to order the drinks, and I managed to order the food for me and Kenzzie, which was amazing, normally I have Aaron order all the food. At one point Kenzzie had to use the restroom, so I asked a waitress where the restroom was. When we still couldn’t find it, I screwed up all my courage and asked ANOTHER one. I was very proud of myself for that, not that I had much choice–it was either ask and find the restroom or else have Kenzzie wet her pants!

As we left the restaurant, a woman called out to us, asking if the children’s menu was any good. Aaron was still trying to figure out what was going on, but I immediately called back that it was pretty good, there was decent variety and the prices were really good, but Sundays were kids eat free and Tuesdays was half price kids if she’d rather wait. I did it without even hesitating! I didn’t stumble over any of the words! I managed to give her good information, without feeling the least bit self-conscious! I was absolutely amazed afterward, though once I realized what had happened I started shaking REALLY bad and giggling like a maniac. I was really proud of myself!

So overall a very productive day in regards to social anxiety.

INFJ

Well, it’s been awhile since I posted. Not much has been going on, really. I’ve been cleaning, walking, and reading. Every time I come onto here to attempt to write a post, I can’t think what to write! However, I know that if I don’t start keeping up with it as much as I was doing, it will eventually just fall off the map, and I definitely don’t want that. So let’s see. What can I write about today. Oh, I know.

I took a Mayer-Briggs Personality test today, as I’ve done before, thinking that perhaps my personality had changed in the years since I had last taken it. Alas, it had not happened. I say alas, but I feel really special with the type of personality I have, as only 2% of the population has it: INFJ (Introspective, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging). According to www.personalitypage.com, the common traits of INFJ are:

They’re extremely insightful, and see things that are not obvious to others. This ability to see patterns and meanings in the world can help the INFJ in many different ways. INFJs usually have a great deal of insight into different people and situations.
When given a goal or context, an INFJ is able to generate all kinds of possibilities. They’re able to see the problem from many different angles.
They understand how others are feeling, and are genuinely concerned with others. This natural empathy and caring helps to be really effective at helping others through problems. In this manner, they make great friends, counselors, teachers, and mates.
An INFJ has a “stick to it” attitude. They’re not afraid of hard work, and will put forth a great deal of effort towards something that they believe in. This persistence will help the INFJ to achieve an identified goal.
Perfectionistic and idealistic, they always strive for the best.
Usually intelligent and able to concentrate and focus, the INFJ can usually grasp difficult ideas and concepts.

I like these traits. And they’re all really accurate!

The problem areas, however, are not so nice and wondeful, although they are also fairly accurate.

May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others

I don’t think this one is accurate for me, I think I’m far too worried about how I come across to others, rather than uncaring of it. I could very possibly be unaware of how I come across though. I mean, I do feel that I consistently come across as crass and impolite, whereas most people tell me I’m far too polite.

May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it

I very rarely do this. More often, I get so overwhelmed with input from others that it takes me forever to sift through and find what I agree with/don’t agree with.

May apply their judgment more often towards others, rather than towards themselves

I do criticize others pretty often, but not nearly as often, nor as harshly, as I criticize myself.

With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for any problems in their lives

I plead the fifth!

May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others

I can definitely relate to this. I just recently got upset with my boyfriend because I was planning something for Valentine’s Day weekend and he didn’t know it and didn’t take the time off work. Irrational? Yes.

May be intolerant of weaknesses in others

I don’t think it’s so much “weakness in others” that I find intolerable, it’s when people don’t want to overcome those weaknesses. I get very irritated when people just want to wallow, rather than take proactive steps to fixing the problem.

May believe that they’re always right

Well… not always. Just most of the time .

May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture

This is definitely true. I used to get so hung up over a single sentence when I was writing an essay that I would go through five or six different drafts to try to get that one sentence to flow right, when it really wasn’t all that important in the first place. I also notice a lot of things in books and movies that don’t have anything to do with the storyline, but I can’t move past them–I desperately want to know what that one piece of information meant or indicated, even if it didn’t mean anything.

May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others

Oh God, if I’m guilty of anything I’m guilty of this. I have such a sarcastic sense of humor. Things fly out of my mouth before I realize it and then I hurt people! Half the time I don’t even mean what I say, it’s just something that I notice and that my brain decides to comment on. It’s going to be reeeally interesting when McKenzzie is old enough to understand sarcasm.

May have an intense and quick temper

I lose my temper very quickly, but don’t tend to hold grudges. I lash out and then feel really sorry, regardless of whether I was right to lose my temper or not.

May be tense, wound up, have high blood pressure and find it difficult to relax

Very true. Except for the high blood pressure.

May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people

Inaccurate in my case.

May be wishy-washy and unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making

Definitely. Not only am I constantly wondering whether the other choice would actually be the better choice, but if I’m trying to make a decision that affects other people as well I’m constantly worried that they’ll be upset with my choice. I have a hard time even choosing what to eat at a restaurant–I normally end up having my boyfriend make the choice for me.

May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others

I’m normally pretty good at this when I’m writing, but when I’m trying to verbalize how I feel, problems arise. I don’t want the person I’m talking to to think that I’m understating or overstating the problem, so I tend to just not bring issues up.

May see so many tangents everywhere that they can’t stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture

This one really comes back to that detail one.

So what personality type are you? Do you feel that the description of that type is accurate?

This post has nothing to do with social phobia, but everything to do with music

My boyfriend bought me new headphones for my mp3 player last night as my reward for hitting my first mini-goal. So I decided to come up with a workout playlist, and I thought I would put it up here so that people can A) see my awesome taste in music and B) give me ideas for MORE awesome workout music. So let me know what you guys think, whether you think I have the crappiest taste EVAR or if you have a suggestion for me.

Smooth Criminal: Alien Ant Farm
Dirty Little Secret: The All-American Rejects
Gives You Hell: The All-American Rejects
It Takes A Fool To Remain Sane: The Ark
The Boys Of Summer: The Ataris
All The Small Things: Blink-182
Piece of Me: Britney Spears
Stronger: Britney Spears
3: Britney Spears
Chris Cox Megamix/Britney Spears: Britney Spears
Womanizer: Britney Spears
Evacuate the Dancefloor: Cascada
The Suffering: Coheed and Cambria
A Favor House Atlantic: Coheed and Cambria
Accidentally in Love: Counting Crows
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger: Daft Punk
Vindicated: Dashboard Confessional
Survivor: Destiny’s Child
Jolene: Dolly Parton
Lose Yourself: Eminem
Dance Dance: Fall Out Boy
Low: Flo Rida ft. T-Pain
Right Round: Flo Rida ft. Kesha
Handlebars: Flobots
Remember the Name: Fort Minor
Hollaback Girl: Gwen Stefani
Get Up Offa That Thing: James Brown
Sexy Back: Justin Timberlake
Stronger: Kanye West
Hot ‘N’ Cold: Katy Perry
Since U Been Gone: Kelly Clarkson
Mr. Brightside: The Killers
Bad Romance: Lady Gaga
Three Small Words: Letters to Cleo (Josie and the Pussycats)
Get Back: Ludacris
Hung Up: Madonna
Four Minutes: Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
Happy Girl: Martina McBride
After Today: Cast of A Goofy Movie
Beat It: Michael Jackson
I’m Not Okay: My Chemical Romance
Neon Genesis Evangelion Opening Theme
B.O.B.: Outkast
Fireflies: Owl City
Misery Business: Paramore
Love is a Battlefield: Pat Benatar
Cotton Eye Joe: Rednex
Please Don’t Stop the Music: Rihanna
Temperature: Sean Paul
Careless Whisper: Seether
Naturally: Selena Gomez and the Scene
Eye of the Tiger: Survivor
The Way I Are: Timbaland ft. Keri Hilson
No Scrubs: TLC
Vertigo: U2
Cherry Pie: Warrant
Lights and Sounds: Yellowcard

Oh, and thanks to everyone who has been reading and commenting. It really makes my day when I see the stats, especially when I see a comment coming in! I can’t believe people are actually reading this thing, I didn’t really think anyone would be interested, lol.

Feels Like Spring

Today is a beeeautiful day. It really feels like spring. It’s nice and sunny and cool, and when I went for my walk I wanted to stay out longer than I knew it was smart to. So I came home, but I’m thinking about riding the bus downtown and spending the day outdoors. I probably won’t, but it’s nice to imagine being brave enough to do that.

Tonight Aaron is going to take me to the store to pick up some new headphones for my mp3 player, because I’ve managed to maintain my first goal weight. Maybe I’ll be able to convince him to go to the River Walk to take a walk with me. I always feel so much braver when he’s there with me. Probably because I know that I can hide behind him if I need to, lol.

We watched the Super Bowl (well, I watched the Super Bowl) last night. Aaron’s parents were having a party, we could smell the pizza coming from downstairs, and his brother was over. But we weren’t invited. Not really surprising, considering all the drama that’s been going on, and I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway, but it would have been polite to at least invite Aaron down. :/ I really don’t understand his family. Anyway, back to talking about the game–I’m really glad the Saints won! I was rooting for them, because although I don’t really watch football (the Super Bowl is the only game I ever watch), I knew it was their first Super Bowl, whereas the Colts have been before. Besides, they were ten down when I first switched over to it from the Puppy Bowl! I always root for the underdog, lol. I almost asked Aaron if we could go down to the Landing to watch the game, but then I started imagining just how many people would be there, and I started sweating just thinking about it. So I watched it at home by myself while Aaron played some computer game. It’s better that way, for now. I probably wouldn’t have seen the Saints’ amazing comeback, if we had gone out!

Anyway, I need to fold laundry. So I’ll end this entry now.

Listening to: Snow (Hey Oh)-The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Another Outing

Today my boyfriend’s brother came over to fix our plumbing (he’s a plumber and our shower has been leaking), so I decided that I would go to the mall to avoid one-on-one interaction with him. My thought process was that I would be able to deal better with a crowd, because few people would want to speak to me, whereas if I were to stay home I would have to actually hold a conversation with someone I’m not very close to. I also freaked out a bit about the chance that he might think I’m a slob, so the first half of my day was spent frantically cleaning the entire house. I cleaned the bedroom; did all the laundry; cleaned McKenzzie’s bedroom; moved into the kitchen and scrubbed everything down there (including the insides of the cabinets and the fridge -.-); cleaned the living room; organized the movies, video games, strategy guides, and gaming consoles; then moved into the bathroom, where I not only wiped down the counters and cleaned the toilet, mirror and tub, but also reorganized both the medicine cabinet and the storage cabinets, then got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the floor with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Then I moved on to the outside, where I swept and wiped down the porch and stairs and got rid of any spiderwebs I could see. After all that, I vacuumed, and then did the windows. So the house was SPOTLESS. I can’t stand the idea of anyone thinking that I’m not a good housekeeper. The house really wasn’t that dirty to begin with, all I really needed to do was vacuum and do the dishes. But I freaked out at the thought of someone possibly going though my possessions and thinking, “Good God, doesn’t this woman ever CLEAN?”

Anyway, after my massive cleaning, I took a quick shower and got dressed, then started to walk towards the bus stop. My boyfriend found me along the way and dropped me off at the mall, and I began to wander the stores.

I always forget just how much I hate the mall. Especially our local mall. There aren’t very many good stores–the only ones I ever actually go into are Sears, Hallmark, Books-a-Million, and FYE. And my boyfriend likes Game Stop. The main reason we ever really go to the mall is for the food court, where they have Sarku Japan and some “Cajun” restaurant that sells bourbon chicken (our first date was at this mall, we only had money for the teriyaki from Sarku and the bourbon chicken from the Cajun place, so now we go every month on our monthly anniversaries, though we haven’t been going as often lately due to money woes and health concerns on my part). Oh, and the movie theater is attached to the mall. Anyway, so I was wandering the corridors trying to figure out a way to entertain myself that didn’t involve food or money (though I did have $20.00 just in case). I forgot just how many salespeople try to get you to buy their crap. :\ By the time I made it over to Books-a-Million, I was shaking pretty bad and couldn’t catch my breath. Then, once I was there, I felt like a complete idiot, wandering the aisles looking for something interesting to read. Then I had to find somewhere to sit, and of course every single chair was occupied. So I wandered some more until I saw an open chair, but the one available chair was right in the middle of two other chairs, both of which were occupied. I couldn’t make myself sit in it, so I put the book that I had found back and wandered back out into the mall proper. I wandered around some more, desperately trying to avoid the salespeople in the middle of the walkways, and then finally decided that I’d go back to Books-a-Million to see if any chairs had opened up (mainly because my back was KILLING me by this time). Luckily, the same square of chairs I had seen before had a space where there wasn’t anyone nearby, so I oh-so-casually went and sat down, and refused to move or look up from my book for the next two hours or so. I couldn’t even make myself surreptitiously look to the side to see if there was anyone behind me. When I finally got up (because I had finished the book) I realized that there was NO ONE in any of the chairs near me.

On one hand, this was a blessing, because it meant I didn’t have to deal with any small talk or stares as I got up. But on the other hand, my mind immediately went into overdrive–why wasn’t anyone sitting near me? There’s limited seating, are people avoiding me because I stink? Because I’m fat? Because I’m putting off some kind of weird vibe that makes people think I’m a freak? The store wasn’t anywhere near empty, there were lots of people standing in the aisles reading, why weren’t any of them coming to sit in the chairs that were near me? Obviously I never got an answer to this, but I wandered away for awhile and found another book, came back and sat down in the same chair. Now there was one other man sitting in the chair catty-corner to where I sat, which made me really paranoid, because NO ONE had sat there while I was sitting there.

Anyway, I was sitting, enjoying my book, when all of a sudden I get an urge to look up. So I do. And I see a kid I recognize, though I can’t figure out from where. Then I hear his dad’s voice, and immediately I start to shake and think, “Oh shit, oh shit, someone I know, now there’s no getting out of talking to them what do I do oh no oh no oh no…” and on and on. So I hid my face behind my book and desperately hoped that they wouldn’t see me. Luckily for me, the dad was busy talking to the mom, and the mom was too busy trying to keep her daughter away from the toys in the kid’s section, so they didn’t notice me. But I was shaking so badly and was nearly in tears before they finally left. When I told my boyfriend about them being there later, he got all excited and asked if I had talked to them, and I made up a story about how as soon as I realized it was them, they were gone. That was a complete lie–they loitered in the card section for awhile, I could hear them plainly. But I was far too much of a coward to get up and go over and say hi.

Anyway, I ended up being at the mall from about 3:30 until 9:05. Most of that time was spent hiding behind books, or wandering aisles hoping that people didn’t think I was a freak. I almost decided to go see a movie, but I didn’t know when my boyfriend would be coming to pick me up, and besides, I don’t like going to the movies without him–it almost feels like cheating (not romantically, it’s just that we always see movies together the first time around). I suppose I could have gone and seen The Princess and the Frog again, but I didn’t feel like it.

Despite all the drama of going out, especially by myself, at least I managed to avoid a one-on-one conversation with anyone. And at least now my house is sparkling clean.

Taking a Walk with a Social-Phobe

I’m trying to lose weight and get healthier, so each day I go for a walk. Normally I try to time my walks to when no one else is around–either in the middle of the day, or else late afternoon (around 6:00-6:30). But today I decided to go at 5:30, because I’ve been feeling a bit out of it all day and I knew that if I didn’t go then, I wouldn’t go at all. Now that I’m back I sort of wish that I hadn’t gone at all. I had to pass five sets of people (my neighbors and their family, one man on a bike, one man taking his trash to the side of the road, one man walking, and a man and a woman walking their dogs), plus there were all these people coming in from work. It was awful. Every time I would see someone coming towards me, I would have to fight SO hard not to dive into the bushes on the side of the road to hide. The only reason I never did was because they had already seen me, and would probably wonder what the hell I was doing, diving into bushes. I wish I didn’t have to work so hard just to act normal. And I’m sure I didn’t really seem normal either, I was so anxious and frightened that I was clenching my hands into fists and biting my lip, and when they nodded or said hello to me (because that’s what everyone does down here in the South), it took all I had to even nod, which I did while looking down at the ground, or over to the side of the road. And I wonder why I don’t have friends.

A History

This entry is going to be rather rambly. It’s 5:30 in the morning and I didn’t sleep last night, so I’m a bit out of it, but I feel like writing, so I am. I should get all this stuff out anyway.

I don’t know why I have a social phobia. It just seems like such a silly phobia to have. I mean, social interactions are one of the things that are nearly impossible to avoid. And how did this come about anyway? Was it something in my childhood? Am I so anxious all the time because my parents got divorced or because we moved around so much, or is it just genetic, or am I just… defective in some way? Was there any turning point at any time in my life where I could have turned this all around and been normal? Let’s take a look at my childhood.

When I was in kindergarten I had a really hard time speaking. We have a home movie of me when I was about six, trying to sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and I’m sitting there, blushing and stuttering and getting so upset with myself, because I just can’t get it out properly.

Tinkle tinkle iddle ar
‘Ow I under ut you are
Up above the urld so aye
‘Ike a diamond in the sky…

Then I rush off to my bedroom crying.

I remember being made fun of because I couldn’t speak well. I would come home crying because the teacher had punished me for not being able to say something. I was enrolled in speech therapy and eventually got better. Now it’s a full turnaround–in high school I was made fun of for enunciating everything so clearly and speaking so properly. I always spoke slowly and clearly because when I get excited or flustered, I stutter and choke on my words. I still have a very hard time talking when I get excited–just last night I was trying to tell my boyfriend thank you for turning the lights off, but it wouldn’t come out, and I eventually had to come up with something that had a rhythm to get it out of my mouth–”You were right for the light.” He laughed and kissed me and called me cute, but I was just mortified that I couldn’t even get thank you out.

We moved around a lot as well–my parents were divorced and my dad was in the Air Force. I went to thirteen different schools, mostly elementary schools. Ten different elementary schools, two middle schools, and one high school. So I would make friends, and then we’d be moving. And I’d have to make friends again. My sister was always really excited about moving and starting at a new school, but I’d cry every time it was another “first day of school at a new school.” My parents would try to make it easier, with special lunches and things like that, but it was always terrifying for me. I eventually learned to be inconspicuous–I never approached anyone, and it took me a long while to warm up to people because I figured that as soon as I made friends, we’d be off again. And that’s normally how it happened, too. I’d finally calm down enough to think that it was all right to open up and be friends with someone, and then my dad would get relocated. I know that it wasn’t his fault–it was his job. But moving around so much made it to where I’m afraid to approach people, because even now, when I’m out on my own, I’m afraid that something will happen that makes it to where I’ll never see them again.

I miss high school. I had friends in high school, lots of them. Not very many close friends–only one or two were close enough to me to know much about me. But I was able to talk to people, they would say hi in the halls and invite me places and talk to me in class. Group work was okay with me, because I never had any trouble being invited to a group–I was a smart kid and everyone wanted me in their group, because they knew I wouldn’t slack off. If anything, I would do more than my share. I’m sure a lot of the people I considered “friends” (even in high school the quotation marks existed) were friends purely because they knew that they could come to me if they needed help with their schoolwork, or a paper edited, or if they needed a shoulder to cry on. And I’m sure quite a few of them probably made fun of me when I wasn’t around, and that bothered me a bit, but not nearly as much as it does now.

I don’t know. I just know that I desperately wish I had friends. My boyfriend goes out every week to his friends’ house, to play role-playing games. He’s such a geek, but I love him to bits. All of his friends are even geekier than he is, but at least he HAS friends. They may be obnoxious and irritating, but they’re there for him when he needs them. I want that. I want to be able to go out with MY friends. But I don’t have any to go out with. The closest thing I have to a friend is my boyfriend’s best friend, who sometimes comes over for dinner and who I can actually speak to. I’ve known him for three years, though, and I still don’t feel comfortable enough with him to even shake his hand or to be informal–I’m always painfully formal and polite whenever he comes over.

I never really thought much about how shy I was until now. I thought I’d always have at least one friend. All throughout school I always at least had an acquaintance or two. Now I don’t, and the fact that I haven’t made any friends in the four years since I’ve been out of school, and I haven’t been able to hold a job (I’ve had two jobs–one I quit after two weeks because I couldn’t handle it, and the other I lasted about four months–until they started having me answer the phone), tells me that I need help. But I don’t have the money or the courage to pick up the phone and call a counseling service. I don’t know what to do except try to fix myself by myself, and I don’t know whether I’ll be able to do that.

Listening to: Fire and Rain–James Taylor

Waste of a Day

Today was pretty much a wash. I didn’t wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon! It’s not like I went to bed incredibly late, I was asleep by about 1:30 in the morning. So WHY did I sleep so long? And I know that I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Argh.

In regards to the social anxiety nature of this blog, I actually emailed a person today, which is a big thing for me. Other than that, though, I’ve pretty much done nothing, and I shall continue to do nothing until I go to bed (if I do).